Pairing: Yuki and Shuichi
Theme: #25 fence
Disclaimer: Gravitation and all charaters are owned by Maki Murakami
He was filled with self-loathing, and really thought he should be used to it by now. Sadly that wasn’t the case and he outwardly cringed as yet another of his moments of lashing out flashed through his mind, a small groan escaping his lips. He wished he could just unplug his memories, shut off his brain so it would stop thinking – stop replaying the wounded expressions his razor sharp tongue had caused.
“Why are you so cold?” Shuichi’s voice echoing in his mind, making the knot in his stomach a notch tighter. “Why do you always enjoy hurting me so much?”
He just glared at his lover then, glared and walked out the door. He had nothing to say – he couldn’t defend his actions, he was wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize either. He had never apologized to anyone in the past; he wasn’t about to start now.
Why did that little freak need to come and upset the balance of his life to begin with? It had always been fuck them and forget them, and he was happy with that. Well, maybe not happy, but at least sated. He didn’t need the burden of a relationship, the emotions tied to it. But he had it anyway, and now that he had it he couldn’t bring himself to give it up. He’d never admit it, but the brat had made him realize how lonely he had been, and he didn’t want to feel like that anymore either.
He walked along the shore, the cuffs of his pants rolled up below his knees and his fingers hooked into the heels of his loafers. The warm breeze ruffled his hair, and the deep blue of the sky made his heart ache in his chest. He wasn’t cruel, not really, but there was this thing inside him that kept him distant. This hard, stubborn part that kept him from admitting that he was wrong and taking Shuichi into his arms. Instead he pushed his lover away and left him with that wounded expression – an expression that just made him loathe himself more.
He stopped and let the surf lap at his bare toes, the icy water giving him goose bumps. He wished he could just flip a switch and let go – to allow himself to be the loving and tender boyfriend Shuichi deserved, and not a cold-hearted bastard. Then again, there was something that drew Shuichi to him; maybe he liked to be abused. His mouth twitched towards a smile at the thought. Shuichi was far from shallow, and wasn’t in it for the money, or the hype, he was in it for love – maybe this was the kind of twisted love that turned him on.
Yuki groaned out loud, his regrets too deep to keep silent. He constantly risked screwing this up, constantly pushed his lover away. Eventually Shuichi would hit his limit, and wouldn’t be there when he got back - wouldn’t be there to pick up the pieces. Why couldn’t he just be what Shuichi needed? Why was it so hard for him? Maybe his therapist was right and he should stop resisting happiness.
He sat in the dry sand and watched the sun sink lower in the sky. He needed to go home, but was putting it off for a little bit longer. Maybe Shuichi would have fled to Hiro’s by the time he got back and he wouldn’t have to face the damage. Of course only part of him wished that, the rest of him was anxious that Shuichi would really be gone when he returned. When it was getting too dark to see, Yuki made his way back to the boardwalk and slipped on his shoes. He’d go home and deal with whatever waited for him.
Shuichi tried not to worry, but as it got darker his anxiety grew. Yuki hadn’t been himself in weeks. Not that anyone else would notice, but Shuichi was just more in tuned. Yuki had never really been what one could call a ‘nice’ guy, but lately his impatience had a cruel edge to it, and he was even more distant. When they made love is was rougher and more desperate – and lately it was the only time Yuki ever touched him.
He had spent days working up the courage to ask Yuki about his therapy, to see if anything had gone so horribly wrong as to cause this change in him. Finally today he had broached the subject, and it had completely backfired. The wall around his lover just became higher, and his words more scathing.
“What goes on in therapy has nothing to do with you! Do you actually believe I even think about you when I’m not fucking you? You’re here for my convenience, nothing more!”
These words had devastated him to the point that he could do absolutely nothing. He couldn’t even call Hiro, wouldn’t ever want his friend to learn of this level of verbal abuse. This was something he needed to keep to himself. He was at a point where he was seriously considering leaving, and if he left now he wouldn’t come back. He’d spent too much time being a doormat for the man he loved, and it was turning him into something he didn’t like.
The door opened and slammed shut a few seconds later, making him jump and his heart pound. He was sitting on the couch, staring at the television and having no idea what he was watching. He heard Yuki walk into the room, but refused to look up, ignoring the feeling of Yuki staring at him. Yuki picked up the remote and shut the television off –Shuichi still refused to look up. He couldn’t bear to see anger, disgust, and resentment in his lover’s eyes – he was hurting enough already.
“I’m surprised you’re still here.” Yuki sounded almost conversational, and it was unnerving.
“Where else would I be?”
“I figured you’d run to Hiro like you always do.”
“I don’t live with Hiro, I live with you.” He hated the waiver he heard in his voice, and cleared his throat, trying to will it away. “Would you like me to leave?”
“Shuichi, look at me.” Yuki’s voice was low, unreadable.
The sound of his name alone was enough to compel him to turn his head, his name spoken so infrequently. He couldn’t help the tears standing in his eyes, but he’d be damned if he’d start to cry this time. “What?”
Yuki’s façade was crumbling slowly; his eyes shinning with unshed tears, his expression soft. “Why do you stay?” The question was simple; his tone quiet and filled with sadness.
“What do you mean?” Shuichi turned his body to face Yuki, still sitting on the couch with a throw pillow clutched in his lap. He tried to keep his expression neutral, but after getting a look at Yuki his resolve weakened – it killed him to see Yuki sad.
“I’m a horrible person who does nothing but hurt you… why do you stay?”
“That’s not true. You’re not a horrible person and you make me happy… it’s just lately I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’ve shut me out and won’t let me in.” Shuichi stood and was at Yuki’s side, looking up at him but not moving to touch him. “Lately you’re so alone, and it breaks my heart. You don’t ever have to be alone, I’ll always be here for you.”
Yuki shook his head in disbelief; a single tear slowly making it’s way down the curve of his cheek. “Isn’t it selfish to expect you to stay?”
“It’s cruel to expect that I won’t. Fuck your father, fuck Kitazawa, and fuck all those ruthless people who slept with you to get their name in the paper. I’m not them and it hurts me that you think I might be.” Reaching out, Shuichi took hold of Yuki’s hand. “We’re all we need, you and me, fuck everybody else… but you can’t keep me out.”
“Why would you want to be in here with me? It sucks.” Yuki pulled Shuichi close and wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on Shuichi’s head.
“Because you’re here, and you shouldn’t be here alone. Stop running from me and let me in. I don’t know how much more I can take of being pushed away.”
The tears came in a deluge and Shuichi could do nothing. He pulled Yuki towards the couch and held him, running his fingers through his hair and murmuring soothing words of support. In the time they’ve been together this wasn’t the first time he’d seen Yuki cry, but it was the first time it really broke his heart. All of Yuki’s pent up anguish was trying to get out, and Shuichi held him, waiting for it to subside.
Neither knew how much time had passed since they’d been curled up on the couch. Yuki’s tears had tapered off and he had stretched out next to Shuichi, his head resting comfortably on his lover’s chest. Shuichi’s hands never stopped stroking and caressing him as they stayed there in silence.
“Maybe you could come with me?” Yuki’s voice was hoarse from crying.
“To see my therapist.” Yuki suddenly sounded unsure. “You don’t have to, I just thought-”
“Of course I’ll go… listen Yuki… we’ve both built up these fences around ourselves for whatever reason, and it’s time we get rid of them. Or maybe we should just make a gate between them so we can get in.” He suddenly felt self-conscious. “I know I sound sappy, but – ”
“It’s okay, I think you’re right.” Yuki propped himself up on his elbow and touched Shuichi’s face with his free hand. “I haven’t been fair to you… I’ll try not to leave you out anymore.”
Shuichi knew that was as close to as apology he’d ever get from Yuki, and it made him enormously happy anyway. He’d learned over time that although his lover could write entire novels of emotion and sappy sentiment, he was really a man of little words.
He could live with that.