Pairing: Yuki and Shuichi
Theme: #15, perfect blue
Disclaimer: Gravitation and all charaters are owned by Maki Murakami
I despise him.
I know I’m not the easiest person to live with, but why does he have to be such a prick? I’ve been working my ass off, trying to get all the lyrics done for the new tracks and all he can do is belittle me. I don’t know what his problem is – he always gets like this when I work too much. Be a man about it and tell me you’re lonely, tell me you’re jealous of my job… tell me anything! Don’t just try to displace what you feel in your heart by lashing out - talk to me damn it! Why does our relationship have to be so hard?
I just had to get out of there before I said something I would regret. We’re both like that, he and I, eager to let loose our sharp tongues to wound each other. I don’t want us to be like that anymore – I hate us when we’re like that. I know that neither of us deals with stress, or anything for that matter, in a healthy way. How did we both make it this far being so screwed up? Why can’t we learn to be nicer to each other?
Of course I did leave today before things got out of hand, before we both said things that we’d regret. And I didn’t just leave, storming out in a wave of screaming and hateful words. I told him I needed some time away, and that I’d be back later. That’s moving in the right direction, isn’t it?
It’s funny that at times like this, I always find myself here in the park. The place we met - as if it holds some magical draw to my soul. Maybe I come here to remind myself that our road has always been a rocky one, or maybe to realize how much better it’s gotten since the beginning. I’m not sure where this comes from, the pull on my heart that leads my mindless body to find itself here in the fugue of anger.
It’s ironic really, that I’m laying here on the green grass of early summer, looking at the flawless blue of the sky with my heart heavy with hurt and anger. There isn’t a cloud in the sky to mar its perfection, its depth dizzying. Such a sky fills my heart with longing, longing for the memories of happier times however fleeting they may be. A vacation taken too long ago, our hearts having forgotten by now what it’s all about.
We’d gone to the country to get away from it all – left behind our contracts and our deadlines to focus on the important things. We were so relaxed, so at ease with each other it was almost frightening. We spent a week without fighting, a week realizing why we were together to begin with.
I remember one day in particular, a day with the same perfect sky, when we took a blanket into the field. He read aloud with me nestled in his arms, hearing his voice through the vibration in the hollow of his chest. I remember the feel of the soft blanket against my toes, and the smell of summer on the breeze. We made love, naked underneath the heavens, neither of us thinking about anything but each other. Afterwards we wrapped the blanket around us, enjoying the feel of our bare skin, the sun, and the calm. It was close to perfection.
And now I lay here alone in the grass, with such a memory twisting painfully in my heart. Why do we let the chaos of life take us so far off track from what’s really important? Why do we do this to ourselves?
The afternoon is slipping away and I can hear the crickets warming up for their evening concert. I’m feeling better for having left, having cleared my head and lost myself in memory. I need to do this more often – cool off before my mouth gets in the way. I move to sit up and I feel a hand push me back down.
Again you’ve come out of nowhere.
Your expression is gentle as you sit next to me, both of us silent. You lay your head on my shoulder and lace your fingers into mine before kissing the back of my hand. It’s all you have to offer me – there’ll be no apology, but I accept you for who you are, just as you do me. You lean in and brush your lips lightly across my lips before bringing your mouth to the shell of my ear. “We should go back to the country.”
Maybe despise is too strong a word.