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# 16 - If You Won't 
3rd-Feb-2005 05:44 pm

Title: If You Won't.
Author: Bri (acquisition).
Pairing: Roy Mustang/Edward Elric.
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist.
Theme: # 16 無敵 (Invincible; unrivaled)
Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the show belong to me, sadly; otherwise, there would be quite a few changes... >.> Sigh, my life.
Notes: I've quite possibly butchered a lot with this one. Envy's been remade, and for some reason, that sort of bothers me. Personally, I don't like this, but someone else might? Ha. Tiny angst warning, but nothing like last time.

Ed savoured calm. It came so rarely, slipped in unexpectedly and by the time he normally caught up to it, it had already vanished. But today, he'd grabbed it and held on for dear life. After everything that had happened in the past week, he needed this moment to himself, to reflect and think about the absolutely hellacious events he'd been pulled through once again.

The rest of the military personnel on the island began preparing to leave, checking up on each other and getting boats ready to go back to the mainland so life could continue as usual the next day. Ed, however, didn't. He stayed behind, looking at the area where they'd been kept, scrutinising every small detail about the surroundings and reaching to touch everything - leaves, rocks, sand. His hands cupped sand and watched as it slid between his fingers, falling back to the place where it once came, leaving him and slipping away. Lost, and it was useless to try and find the same handful, because no matter how hard he tried, he would always pick up something that wasn't original, or miss something that was.

His mind associated it with today's conflict against his will, and for a long while, he simply stared at the same patch where his hands had once dug.

He could have lost again today.

An entire situation of kidnapping, search, and rescue replayed itself in his mind and he could see Roy tied up again, away from him, a remade Envy's own captive and personal method of bait and saying nothing. Ed knew damn well that Roy wouldn't beg for his life, wouldn't have never dared even said anything, because of that pride he carried. He was too proud to ask to be spared, too proud to beg for his life and damn it, why had Ed been the one that had to beg for him?

If you won't, I will.

This was supposed to be over, had been over long ago and now it was all crashing back into the foreground, memories he'd banished and pains he hadn't felt for ages surfacing and making him drown in himself.

"If you touch him, I swear I'll kill you."

"Oh, Edo-san... why so? You hate him, do you not?"

"Let him go, Envy. He's not part of this."

As calm as his voice may have been then, inside, he was frantic. A thousand horrible endings to everything had gone through his mind in a single second and he could physically feel Roy being torn away from him, cast aside and buried like so many others he'd lost. Just like his mother, and Edward couldn't deal with that all over again. He couldn't lose him. Couldn't lose the them that they'd created, because it would kill him. It was all he had to hold on to anymore.

And no one knew. That was what made the situation all the more difficult. No one knew, and Ed had to contain himself, had to remain semi-calm in the midst of all this because if he acted as horribly desperate and devastated as he felt on the inside, broke down into tears and begged with all he had for Envy to let Roy go, then.. then there would be no denying anymore. Roy would lose his position, Ed would lose his certification, and both would be lost. Humiliated. But in that moment, humiliation seemed insignificant, and Edward hadn't been able to contain his crying.

He hid it, though, under the disguise of anger and had attacked the new Envy with all he had in him, fighting more brutally than he could ever remember and had, eventually, won. He had destroyed the homunculus once again, torn him to pieces and sent him back to that goddamned gate where he'd come from, praying to anything that could exist and be listening that this would be the last time, the final battle, and he wouldn't have to do it again.

He had won. Again

Why, then, did Edward feel so horribly empty now, staring down at the sand his feet had touched and watching as tears hit it again? When had this amazing uneasiness come over him, leaving him thinking that he'd lost some great part of himself in that fight? Why did he feel so useless? He could still smell Envy's blood, still see darkened stains on the shirt he wore and rips in the cloth of everything covering him, still felt the sting of a punch he'd taken to the head and could feel the blood on his side beginning to dry and crack where his opponent had only barely missed stabbing him. He had all this proof, and yet... yet he couldn't wipe it away from his mind.

"They're ready to go, Fullmetal."

That voice shook him out of his reverie of self-disgust and found him in his lost state, and while he was now aware of the outside world, he didn't turn around to look at its owner. He could picture Roy just as he was - tall, unwavering, head cocked in that prideful way it took after an especially harsh blow to his ego. He had a gash along the side of his face, blood drying the same as Ed's was on his side. Somehow, even with that gash, Roy managed to look dignified. Fucking bastard.

"Give me a minute."

He should stay here, he decided. He shouldn't go back to Central, he should stay here and be alone. The military didn't need him. Al didn't need him anymore, because Al had Winry. Roy didn't need him, either, because he had that fucking pride of his to keep him company and Ed was only a secondary consideration in that. He had failed to think about Ed and how crushed he would have been had he been killed, had failed to take that into consideration and sacrifice his pride to ask for life and all at once, this entire situation hit Ed like a train to the chest and he broke out into full sobs.

He had been absolutely terrified of losing Roy.

At some point he had become so dependent on him, on their relationship, that it had become all-consuming. It was his proverbial finish line and while Ed had once been oblivious of that, he knew now, and he was so scared of missing that line that he could feel that same terror crawling on him and it made his skin freeze, made him nauseous, and his stomach tremble. He couldn't breathe, and just before he collapsed onto the sand or threw it all up, he felt arms around him. Strong ones, holding him up and close to a warm body, and it was the only person he'd have considered letting do it, though right now he thought of pushing him away because this was too close, too much.

He didn't, though. His head turned and he looked up to Roy's face, gold eyes shining from unshed tears and cheeks streaked with the ones that had already fallen, and he broke. When Roy turned Ed around, the younger man buried his face in the other man's shirt and sobbed for all he was worth, fingers tightly wrapped in the material as if to hold him there so he couldn't slip away again. He wanted to tell Roy everything that had gone through his mind, that he'd been scared out of his wits and ask him why the hell he hadn't said anything, but he didn't. Having those arms around him as tight as they were, holding him as close as he was, seemed to give Ed a semi-easing sense of 'he knows'. And he did know, really, even if he didn't say it.

Instead of everything in his head, all the hurtful confessions and insults and demands that threatened to break free from Edward, all that came was a broken, tearful order of, "Don't you ever fucking leave me."

Because leaving would be losing, and Ed refused to lose. He would hold on to this for all it was worth, and in his mind, it was worth the world. And maybe it really was, because Roy had a way of confirming it without words day after day after day. This day was different, though. This day had been their trial of worth, their test of strength and told whether or not they were going to be a paragraph or an entire book in their respective life stories.


They were so much more than a single volume. They were an entire series, a whole set of encyclopedias compressed into a single this, and they had passed today's divine test of what was precious and what was expendable.

Roy stood and brought Edward with him, one arm supporting the younger man's weight so he wouldn't drop him, the other hand sliding into blonde strands to cradle his head. In the back of his mind, Edward was mildly irritated with himself for allowing Roy to pick him up and hold him like this, but in all honesty, he didn't care right now. The fact that Roy was actually here and able to do this - that was enough for Ed. His own arms and legs wrapped loosely around Roy's body, hiding his face against one of the older man's shoulders and giving a deep sigh. This could have all been lost. It could have been ripped away from him in a split second...

But it hadn't. And things were going to be okay, really. Because Ed was undefeatable when it came to things like this. Envy, even in his remade state with all the anger he had kept deep inside, hadn't had a chance in the world. Nothing could have taken Roy away; least of all Envy.

He kissed Roy's neck, and his arms tightened around him slightly. His, and nothing else was going to take him away. It was a stupid idea to think that anything else could part them. They would die by each other's hands, would protect each other even when it was useless, and nothing else could touch them because they had a shield, a barrier, invincibility.

Roy touched the slash on Ed's side gently, eyes watching as darkened, dried blood fell away from it and he knew that internally, Ed had winced, though he would never show such a sign of weakness. Fresh blood rose to the surface of pale skin, contrasting in a morbidly hypnotic way and once again, Roy wiped it away. Ed's blood stained his fingers, and he closed his eyes and leaned forward slightly so his forehead touched Ed's. Warm, familiar fingers touched Roy's skin then - the side of his face, across the gash that lay there, mimicking previous movements he'd done himself.

Ed was mesmerised, watching the slight trickle of blood slide down Roy's cheek, catching it with his fingers just as it reached his jaw.

"I thought I'd lose you," Ed admitted as Roy's fingers tangled with his own, remnants of injury and the life inside both of them mingling together on soft yet worn fingertips. Roy simply shook his head and kissed Edward.


Because they were invincible.

You are the blood in my veins.
3rd-Feb-2005 11:35 pm (UTC)
*melts into a puddle of goo*

You are so talented, it's scary. *puts this in her memories*
4th-Feb-2005 12:02 pm (UTC)
-molds you back together-

Thank you! I feel squishy now, haha. xD
4th-Feb-2005 12:11 am (UTC)
"Don't you ever fucking leave me."

;___; awwwww... ;_; *puts it in her memories too* *_*
very very nice ^___^

4th-Feb-2005 12:02 pm (UTC)
No, thank you! I'm glad you liked it :)
4th-Feb-2005 03:36 pm (UTC)
i'm glad you wrote it :3
4th-Feb-2005 01:32 am (UTC)
Wow. Another great one. I'm so glad you took this couple!
4th-Feb-2005 12:03 pm (UTC)
I really had no choice, they demanded it of me. xD I'm glad you like it!
4th-Feb-2005 02:23 am (UTC)
Oh wow. Wow wow wow. You have a great writing style that expresses emotion so well, and the force of what Ed was feeling reaches out and grabs the reader. I love this in particular: They were so much more than a single volume. They were an entire series, a whole set of encyclopedias compressed into a single this, and they had passed today's divine test of what was precious and what was expendable. The comparison is perfect; no roses and perfume and so Roy and Ed. Which brings me to my next comment, that you nailed the characterization in this. Ed is not a weak, blubbering girl as he is portrayed in so much slash fanfiction; he's hurt to the core yet still stubborn, and one of the few people he's willing to break that shield in front of is Roy.

Great work. Thank you for sharing! I'm definitely reccing this the next time I do recs in my journal. :D
4th-Feb-2005 12:04 pm (UTC)
You have no idea how much I adore you. I think you've reduced me to a weak, blubbering girl from this comment, and that's hard to do. Thank you so much; I worry constantly about characterisation but I'm glad to know I'm at least getting it somewhat right. Again, thank you!
5th-Feb-2005 01:49 am (UTC)
Oh no, not as much as I adore you for writing this! :D I went on a FMA fanfic kick a couple of weeks ago but stopped reading after awhile because the slash was annoying me, so this was just what I needed. Usually, the way people write Roy/Ed doesn't completely jive with me (did I just say 'jive with me'? How old AM I? :>), but this was perfect, and even more so given the emotional situation. You made Ed cry and there was hugging and a kiss and yet he wasn't a dickless wussy uke-uke. <3

And you're very welcome!
4th-Feb-2005 03:04 am (UTC)
this is wonderful, i love your portrayal of the characters.
4th-Feb-2005 12:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
4th-Feb-2005 05:48 am (UTC)
Points at the comments.

SEE. SEE!!! YOU MORON. I love you to bits. Snugs. :]
4th-Feb-2005 12:05 pm (UTC)
sdkfjhaowiefh WILL YOU HUSH --->

LMFAO God you're so loving, "YOU MORON." Sigh, ourloveissoreal. :] LOVES J00 LIEK WH0A, K!?
5th-Feb-2005 03:51 am (UTC)
I LOVE this. Save for the bit about Al, every single thing was absolutely perfect. Their characterization, the language... Just beautiful. *memories*
7th-Feb-2005 04:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you! <3
14th-May-2005 08:54 am (UTC)
Oh god, that was so painful in a HOLYHELLHOWPRETTYMUSTNOTCRY way. I adored. You are simply fucking amazing.

...just thought I'd let you know.
21st-Nov-2005 11:16 pm (UTC)
There is no word to describe how awesomely amazing and touching and heart-wrenching this was. That is all. -cries-
26th-Dec-2006 07:12 am (UTC)
That was so beautiful, I couldn't take my eyes away for even a second. I loved the limited speech and the ending. It worked well for this story.
6th-Feb-2007 03:58 am (UTC)
Loved it

Absolutely in awe of you *BOWS DEEPLY*
20th-Jan-2010 09:58 pm (UTC)
That was one of the sweetest, most well written RoyxEd pieces that I've read in a while. *melts into a puddle of happy goo* So sweet and so...so..Ed. You know? Thinking all that and not being able to say it. Equal losing ROy to losing....And then at the end...Where their blood mixed on their hands and they kissed. It shouldn't be so cute but it is. *sighs happily*
10th-Oct-2011 08:14 am (UTC)
I adore this, how Ed's not afraid to show the broken bits to Roy and is willing to rely on him. This was so touching. Well done.
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